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2fast2furious


Hollywood has done it again. It’s managed to tap into the collective psyche of America and create yet another movie about stupid people, for stupid people, by stupid people.

2 Fast 2 Furious is the inevitable sequel to 2001’s unexpected, unnecessary and wholly inexplicable hit The Fast and the Furious — or, if we give into the logic of the titling here, Just Fast and Furious Enough, Though Not Exceedingly Fast and Furious. (As a general rule, though, try to avoid giving into the logic of films starring guys named Vin Diesel, Vin Unleaded, or Vin Anything really, or else youll soon find yourself wearing muscle shirts and talking only in affected, heavily congested grunts, which Im sure youll agree will help no one.)

The title alone should give you a good idea of what youre walking into here, since it was apparently devised either by people not equal to the draining burden that adverbs require, or pop icon Prince. Either way, 2 Fast 2 Furious seems to suggest that any theater-goer who thought the first movie in this franchise was lacking in the fast/furious department will now finally be given the excessive, even needlessly indulgent, portioning of fastness and fury that previously eluded them.

The trailer, unfortunately, seems to belie this premise. Oh sure, there’s plenty of fast to go around, I suppose, with cars zipping this way and that, down streets, through barriers, past a surprised-looking Coolio — but where, I ask you, is the recklessly extravagant supply of furious we were promised? Everyone in the trailer seems to be smiling and happy, or more likely blissfully oblivious. They cheer and flirt and laugh with nary a trace of fury to be seen. Perhaps the film should be retitled 2 Fast 2B Furious (indicating such an intense preoccupation with fastness that fury got pushed to the sidelines), thus avoiding false advertising lawsuits.

Adding to the already alarming fury deficit, the films heroes drive around in cars that could at best be described, if you were charitable and squinted, as "mildly exasperated" or "not really overjoyed." Bright pinks, subdued yellows and tastefully placid greens rule the day. It’s as though they had their paint jobs done by a maternity store in the mid-1980s and just haven’t gotten around to updating them.

“But wait,” you say. “You said there was still fast’. I would like to hear more about the aforementioned ‘fast’.”

Yessir, the fast in this movie is so fast, just dropping the ‘e’ from the beginning of the word ‘extreme’ and calling it ‘Xtreme’ doesn’t seem to cut it. No, youd have to drop the ‘e’ at the end for much of the movie, and in some choice scenes, you would have to do away with the letter ‘e’ altogether. 2 Fast 2 Furious starts at Xtrem, with gusts ranging all the way up to Xtrm. “That movi sur was Xtrm, ddi!” someone might exclaim, assuming their friend was named Eddie, and that they were, of course, a moron. They would then likely continue the streak by emulating the film on their drive home, seguing to their Xtrm Funrals two days later. Please note that this is not being put forward as a bad thing.

In addition to the letter ‘e’, this film is also quite notably missing Vin Diesel, the star of its prequel. The fact that the film’s directors couldn’t get an actor barely more sentient than a fatty cut of tenderloin to scratch his initials on a contract for such an obvious money-grab seems to scream trouble. When the poster boy for brain dead id-driven pap bows out, you’ve likely hit a new low.

Fortunately, there are plenty of idiots lining up to take his place. For instance, there’s the guy with the super-big afro, who just starts the races, but never actually drives as he can’t fit his gargantuan coif into a car. There’s the guy who, in spite of his lack of scowls and frowns, seems to provide what miniscule allotments of fury the film is prepared to offer. He claims to have “a problem with authority," which seems to be backed up by the fact that he drives through solid steel barriers in his magic indestructible supercar.